Ironically, this photo was linked to a much less funny but similar post on HuffPo, written by a dude.
- You have a lot of weird facial hair in every single picture. I interpreted this as an extreme commitment to your beard/mustachios/mutton chops. Like more commitment than you’ll have to an actual human relationship
- you have no photos
- you have one photo
- you have all group photos
- it is unclear who you are in each photo
- your first picture is you and your extremely hot friend. The comparison is not flattering. Also can I have his number?
- you are holding a fish and you’re not a marine biologist
- you are petting a drugged tiger
- you are posing with an extremely cute dog you don’t own, which I will therefore never get to meet
- you have a shirtless photo and you’re not at the beach
- you have a shirtless photo and you’re not even outside
- you have a shirtless photo (leave me some mystery)
- All of your photos are with girls
- Any of your photos are with a girl. Oh, she’s your roommate/sister/cousin? Too bad you’ll never get a chance to explain that because I swiped left.
- All of your photos are with one specific girl. Why are you on this app?
- You’re smoking a tobacco product
- You’re drinking in all of your photos.
- Your first photo is at the gun range. I admire your Beretta but I am not interested in dating the Beretta.
- You have sunglasses on in every picture. Why? Do you not have eyes? What’s wrong with them?
- You have a hat on in every picture. I get it, some men have hair loss. I’m going to find out eventually.
- Close-lipped smiles in every picture. I don’t have dental insurance either, bruh, but I’m going to notice your teeth like, right away, when we meet.
- All of your selfies are taken from lap level. While I’m pleased to see there’s nothing in your nose, this is an extremely unflattering angle.
- All of your selfies are exactly the same.
- None of your photos show your actual face. I get it, you hate selfies, but I can’t see what you look like from 30ft away/with snow goggles on. Sick rail though.
- All of your photos are “funny.” Like, Halloween costume, ladies heels, morph suit, you passed out on your friend’s couch. What a sense of humor!
- You did something ironically in a photo and I thought you were serious. Esp. if you’re making fun of women.
Editor’s Note (I am the editor): As of like, one week after I initially wrote this in March ’17, I completely changed my swiping criteria. Here are the updated auto-left swipes.
- You’re not a dog
- or a cat.
- You’re a human man.
- You’re human.
- No.
- I deleted all of these apps.
I plan to die alone with cats.