Ironically, this photo was linked to a much less funny but similar post on HuffPo, written by a dude.

• You have a lot of weird facial hair in every single picture. I interpreted this as an extreme commitment to your beard/mustachios/mutton chops. Like more commitment than you’ll have to an actual human relationship
• you have no photos
• you have one photo
• you have all group photos
• it is unclear who you are in each photo
• your first picture is you and your extremely hot friend. The comparison is not flattering. Also can I have his number?
• you are holding a fish and you’re not a marine biologist
• you are petting a drugged tiger
• you are posing with an extremely cute dog you don’t own, which I will therefore never get to meet
• you have a shirtless photo and you’re not at the beach
• you have a shirtless photo and you’re not even outside
• you have a shirtless photo (leave me some mystery)
• All of your photos are with girls
• Any of your photos are with a girl. Oh, she’s your roommate/sister/cousin? Too bad you’ll never get a chance to explain that because I swiped left.
• All of your photos are with one specific girl. Why are you on this app?
• You’re smoking a tobacco product
• You’re drinking in all of your photos.
• Your first photo is at the gun range. I admire your Beretta but I am not interested in dating the Beretta.
• You have sunglasses on in every picture. Why? Do you not have eyes? What’s wrong with them?
• You have a hat on in every picture. I get it, some men have hair loss. I’m going to find out eventually.
• Close-lipped smiles in every picture. I don’t have dental insurance either, bruh, but I’m going to notice your teeth like, right away, when we meet.
• All of your selfies are taken from lap level. While I’m pleased to see there’s nothing in your nose, this is an extremely unflattering angle.
• All of your selfies are exactly the same.
• None of your photos show your actual face. I get it, you hate selfies, but I can’t see what you look like from 30ft away/with snow goggles on. Sick rail though.
• All of your photos are “funny.” Like, Halloween costume, ladies heels, morph suit, you passed out on your friend’s couch. What a sense of humor!
• You did something ironically in a photo and I thought you were serious. Esp. if you’re making fun of women.

Editor’s Note (I am the editor): As of like, one week after I initially wrote this in March ’17, I completely changed my swiping criteria. Here are the updated auto-left swipes.

• You’re not a dog
• or a cat.
• You’re a human man.
• You’re human.
• No.
• I deleted all of these apps.

I plan to die alone with cats.